Only child of an only child here! Wanted to say 1) Our holiday tables have been packed for years with my parents' friends (many of whom didn't have kids) and my friends (some of whom have challenging relationships with their own families), and I truly believe in the Field of Dreams "if you build it, they will come" regarding a full table. 2) Several of my guy friends are only children, and they are awesome. The best men IMHO have numerous older sisters, but only children are second to that. 3) I have two kids and feel a pang for a third that I will never have. My point is: I think it's often emotional to close the door on the childbearing years (even if you had rough pregnancies/don't want more kids/feel happy with the family you have) because it's simply the end of an era? At least it was for me.
Thank you so much for writing this Gillian - it's like you took the thoughts straight out of my head! I have a 2 year old son and everything that you said here are the things that float around my head on a daily basis. Going to bookmark this to read next time I'm feeling sad about it as it's made me feel less alone (and grateful for the comments too!). Same as you - very happy with our decision and there is zero chance I'd want to be pregnant or do the newborn months again - but still a sadness there too for all the reasons you mention. Thank you for putting it out there xx
I feel pangs when I see a mum with a baby cuddled up in a sling, but would definitely not want to go through the newborn stage again. And my 6 year old still likes to lie on my shoulder as he listens to his audiobook at bedtime, only this time, his feet are dangling down towards my shins.
I had my daughter aged 36 years old. By the time I felt able/capable of having another... I was in my early 40s. Once my husband and I decided we were ‘one and done’ it worked out well. When people asked me.. “when was I going to have another one?” I simply told them I am going to give her everything that I never had. And I did. She is now in her second year at Chichester University and loving life. She is a well rounded world wise woman with lots of friends.
This essay is a real gift for me, Gillian. I’m almost 35 and my husband and I are still in the, “We don’t quite know though it definitely can’t be yet” group. What you’ve articulated means a lot to me and I look forward to sharing this with my husband as we keep our own conversations on this going.
In terms of other mothers with one child, I always really enjoy hearing Jo Malone talk about her relationship with her son and their family of three.
Thank you for this piece! Honest and responsible decisions.That is exactly how I feel. I have a 3 year old daughter and I am finally seeing the light! I had a hard time worrying about everything during my pregnancy (i had a miscarriage before) and when the newborn was here it was very hard for me. Adapting to the new life with a very demanding baby. She is wild and a rebel which I love and encourage but for my mental health I wouldn’t be able to give attention to another human. So yes, very happy with just one child, although there is always a mini voice in me wondering how nice it would be to have a bigger team.
I'm an only child with an only child (a 6 year old boy) and it's funny, I was an oddity growing up in suburban California but at my son's Edinburgh nursery, he was part of a gang of 4 other only boys (and their mums were all older than I am, so I assume they are also one-and-done). We've moved outside the city and it's more unusual here, but folks seem to have lots of local family which makes it easier to have a bigger family.
From friends, boys stay cuddlier longer into the tween years, but like you, I haven't known many only-child boys in adulthood. I'm hoping we can blaze the trail and he'll still want to hang out with me in his teens and beyond.
Thank you for writing this. It's something that - in all honesty - I think about every, single day. I have a beautiful five year old boy and I am so grateful that I get to be as present as possible with him, but there are still lots of pangs and 'what ifs' about another child.
The full table is such a tantalising fantasy, isn't it? But there's also no guarantee, even with more children, that the table will be full. One of my other concerns is the burden that will be on my son when my husband and I are older, but again, I have seen many families with multiple siblings where the burden falls on one.
Thanks again for sharing and for opening up the thoughtful and kind discussion in the comments.
Hi Gillian, I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing this article. I’m in a similar situation as a mother of one 5 year son. My only nephews also live in Australia. It was a choice for us to only have one child and one I mainly feel happy about. But I did feel like I had to grieve a bit for the children, I didn’t have and it took me a few years to give away all the baby stuff.
I am an only child myself and had a very happy childhood and never felt lonely. I think it gave me a lot of skills that non-only children don’t have and I benefited it lots of ways. But I still feel like being the parents of a single child is so little talked about that, and still has a lot of stigma around it. That I find it really helpful to hear other people talking about it and worrying about the same things.
I'm an only with an only and had a very happy childhood. I wish my son had similar aged cousins, my husband has a much older half brother, so his cousins are between 19-28. He thinks they are very cool, but it's not quite the same. But we try to open our house/hearts to family friends to replicate some of those cousin-like relationships. And my husband's 2nd cousin has tweens/teens, and long-term foster placements the same age as my son so we're leaning into the cousins dynamic there.
I loved reading this. I’m 35 and have a 3 year old who will also be an only child. Like you, I’m very (VERY) at peace with our decision, and also feel sad sometimes at the idea of siblings for her. No matter what path you take I think there are always pangs of what if and melancholy. But I’m very happy with my family of 3 and, like others have said, opened my heart and mind to close friendships like family for her, which I’ve been lucky enough to experience with my friends throughout my lifetime. Life can be whatever we make it 🩷
Gosh I loved reading this thank you for putting it out there. My partner and I weren’t sure we wanted babies and ultimately said let’s have one and see. Our first daughter was a rational choice and our second was purely emotional. It’s hard to explain we were very into the idea of having one kid but somehow we have 2. Both were planned. No regrets. But I believe if I chose not have kids or to have stuck with one I wouldn’t regret those choices either.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m in the same boat for a lot of the same reasons. If it is helpful, Dr Martha did an episode on her Talking Sense about single children and the many myths about them and they were debunked. I found it really interesting so sharing for anyone here
Thank you for writing about this. I am the youngest of 10 children and, even though it might have affected whether I even existed, this is the kind of thinking I wish my mother and father had been allowed/allowed themselves. They were a Catholic couple in the US in 1953, and, well...🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I absolutely would not want to be in that dungeon with Paul and his smug face. Also, poor Meg - talk about a scapegoat
I have three children so obviously have taken a different road to you, but wanted to say I know quite a few couples where I live that are one and done. All seem apprehensive when they admit it, as I think societal judgment can still be there (it's there when you have more than two, as well, I keep being asked if I'm Catholic and if I know how contraception works...) but it's a totally valid choice and if it's what works for your family, then more power to you
Besides, having a sibling isn't always a blessing (believe me 😅)
Welcome to the club! I have one child and it’s been lovely. I hope he agrees, but he has a little half sister at his dad’s house so he gets the best of both worlds.
Until I was 8 I too was an only and I remember that time being very happy. My parents had my sister to “save the marriage” and ensure I wasn’t alone in caring for them in old age. We never got along and are currently estranged. I can’t remember the last time I saw her and sometimes forget I have a sister at all.
I guess what I’m saying is, hooray for making a choice that works for you! All of us can share our wonky family stories and decisions but the one that feels right for your family is always the best one. I had a ton of pressure to add another child to the family (especially as my ex and I grew apart, were very happily divorced and remarried now) and BOY, am I content with where I ended up.
Enjoy your small but mighty family and remember—it’s always cheaper to pay for flights if you only have a family of three 😊
Fellow one and done momma here. Loved reading this and feel so connected to your words. My husband is from Scotland and we travel back and forth quite a bit — there were many reasons we discussed just one (ease in travel one of them), but we do feel our family is complete with our daughter. Sending your gorgeous family lots of love x
Only child of an only child here! Wanted to say 1) Our holiday tables have been packed for years with my parents' friends (many of whom didn't have kids) and my friends (some of whom have challenging relationships with their own families), and I truly believe in the Field of Dreams "if you build it, they will come" regarding a full table. 2) Several of my guy friends are only children, and they are awesome. The best men IMHO have numerous older sisters, but only children are second to that. 3) I have two kids and feel a pang for a third that I will never have. My point is: I think it's often emotional to close the door on the childbearing years (even if you had rough pregnancies/don't want more kids/feel happy with the family you have) because it's simply the end of an era? At least it was for me.
Totally agree re the emotion of closing the door on the subject. And YES to friends making up that full table x
Thank you so much for writing this Gillian - it's like you took the thoughts straight out of my head! I have a 2 year old son and everything that you said here are the things that float around my head on a daily basis. Going to bookmark this to read next time I'm feeling sad about it as it's made me feel less alone (and grateful for the comments too!). Same as you - very happy with our decision and there is zero chance I'd want to be pregnant or do the newborn months again - but still a sadness there too for all the reasons you mention. Thank you for putting it out there xx
Thank you for reading and for your thoughtful comment - seems to be a common feeling! x
I feel pangs when I see a mum with a baby cuddled up in a sling, but would definitely not want to go through the newborn stage again. And my 6 year old still likes to lie on my shoulder as he listens to his audiobook at bedtime, only this time, his feet are dangling down towards my shins.
I had my daughter aged 36 years old. By the time I felt able/capable of having another... I was in my early 40s. Once my husband and I decided we were ‘one and done’ it worked out well. When people asked me.. “when was I going to have another one?” I simply told them I am going to give her everything that I never had. And I did. She is now in her second year at Chichester University and loving life. She is a well rounded world wise woman with lots of friends.
This essay is a real gift for me, Gillian. I’m almost 35 and my husband and I are still in the, “We don’t quite know though it definitely can’t be yet” group. What you’ve articulated means a lot to me and I look forward to sharing this with my husband as we keep our own conversations on this going.
In terms of other mothers with one child, I always really enjoy hearing Jo Malone talk about her relationship with her son and their family of three.
Have a beautiful weekend xx
Thanks for reading and the Jo Malone tip! x
Thank you for this piece! Honest and responsible decisions.That is exactly how I feel. I have a 3 year old daughter and I am finally seeing the light! I had a hard time worrying about everything during my pregnancy (i had a miscarriage before) and when the newborn was here it was very hard for me. Adapting to the new life with a very demanding baby. She is wild and a rebel which I love and encourage but for my mental health I wouldn’t be able to give attention to another human. So yes, very happy with just one child, although there is always a mini voice in me wondering how nice it would be to have a bigger team.
She sounds brilliant. Thanks for reading x
I'm an only child with an only child (a 6 year old boy) and it's funny, I was an oddity growing up in suburban California but at my son's Edinburgh nursery, he was part of a gang of 4 other only boys (and their mums were all older than I am, so I assume they are also one-and-done). We've moved outside the city and it's more unusual here, but folks seem to have lots of local family which makes it easier to have a bigger family.
From friends, boys stay cuddlier longer into the tween years, but like you, I haven't known many only-child boys in adulthood. I'm hoping we can blaze the trail and he'll still want to hang out with me in his teens and beyond.
My son is nearly 15 and I still get lots of hugs, he’s just taller than me now 🥹
LOVE that they stay cuddlier <3
Thank you for writing this. It's something that - in all honesty - I think about every, single day. I have a beautiful five year old boy and I am so grateful that I get to be as present as possible with him, but there are still lots of pangs and 'what ifs' about another child.
The full table is such a tantalising fantasy, isn't it? But there's also no guarantee, even with more children, that the table will be full. One of my other concerns is the burden that will be on my son when my husband and I are older, but again, I have seen many families with multiple siblings where the burden falls on one.
Thanks again for sharing and for opening up the thoughtful and kind discussion in the comments.
Hi Gillian, I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing this article. I’m in a similar situation as a mother of one 5 year son. My only nephews also live in Australia. It was a choice for us to only have one child and one I mainly feel happy about. But I did feel like I had to grieve a bit for the children, I didn’t have and it took me a few years to give away all the baby stuff.
I am an only child myself and had a very happy childhood and never felt lonely. I think it gave me a lot of skills that non-only children don’t have and I benefited it lots of ways. But I still feel like being the parents of a single child is so little talked about that, and still has a lot of stigma around it. That I find it really helpful to hear other people talking about it and worrying about the same things.
Thanks so much for sharing x
Thanks so much for reading and thank you for your lovely comment x
I'm an only with an only and had a very happy childhood. I wish my son had similar aged cousins, my husband has a much older half brother, so his cousins are between 19-28. He thinks they are very cool, but it's not quite the same. But we try to open our house/hearts to family friends to replicate some of those cousin-like relationships. And my husband's 2nd cousin has tweens/teens, and long-term foster placements the same age as my son so we're leaning into the cousins dynamic there.
I loved reading this. I’m 35 and have a 3 year old who will also be an only child. Like you, I’m very (VERY) at peace with our decision, and also feel sad sometimes at the idea of siblings for her. No matter what path you take I think there are always pangs of what if and melancholy. But I’m very happy with my family of 3 and, like others have said, opened my heart and mind to close friendships like family for her, which I’ve been lucky enough to experience with my friends throughout my lifetime. Life can be whatever we make it 🩷
Thank you for reading! Absolutely agree about the inevitable pangs of 'what if'. Much love to your family of three x
Gosh I loved reading this thank you for putting it out there. My partner and I weren’t sure we wanted babies and ultimately said let’s have one and see. Our first daughter was a rational choice and our second was purely emotional. It’s hard to explain we were very into the idea of having one kid but somehow we have 2. Both were planned. No regrets. But I believe if I chose not have kids or to have stuck with one I wouldn’t regret those choices either.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m in the same boat for a lot of the same reasons. If it is helpful, Dr Martha did an episode on her Talking Sense about single children and the many myths about them and they were debunked. I found it really interesting so sharing for anyone here
Someone suggested this podcast on my Insta and yes it was great!
Thank you for writing about this. I am the youngest of 10 children and, even though it might have affected whether I even existed, this is the kind of thinking I wish my mother and father had been allowed/allowed themselves. They were a Catholic couple in the US in 1953, and, well...🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for writing this! Having one child is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and your Substack felt like a warm hug 🤗
I absolutely would not want to be in that dungeon with Paul and his smug face. Also, poor Meg - talk about a scapegoat
I have three children so obviously have taken a different road to you, but wanted to say I know quite a few couples where I live that are one and done. All seem apprehensive when they admit it, as I think societal judgment can still be there (it's there when you have more than two, as well, I keep being asked if I'm Catholic and if I know how contraception works...) but it's a totally valid choice and if it's what works for your family, then more power to you
Besides, having a sibling isn't always a blessing (believe me 😅)
Welcome to the club! I have one child and it’s been lovely. I hope he agrees, but he has a little half sister at his dad’s house so he gets the best of both worlds.
Until I was 8 I too was an only and I remember that time being very happy. My parents had my sister to “save the marriage” and ensure I wasn’t alone in caring for them in old age. We never got along and are currently estranged. I can’t remember the last time I saw her and sometimes forget I have a sister at all.
I guess what I’m saying is, hooray for making a choice that works for you! All of us can share our wonky family stories and decisions but the one that feels right for your family is always the best one. I had a ton of pressure to add another child to the family (especially as my ex and I grew apart, were very happily divorced and remarried now) and BOY, am I content with where I ended up.
Enjoy your small but mighty family and remember—it’s always cheaper to pay for flights if you only have a family of three 😊
Fellow one and done momma here. Loved reading this and feel so connected to your words. My husband is from Scotland and we travel back and forth quite a bit — there were many reasons we discussed just one (ease in travel one of them), but we do feel our family is complete with our daughter. Sending your gorgeous family lots of love x
What a lovely comment! Yes ease of travel is a huge one for us too (our family is all in Australia and America). Sending love back x