The challenges of being a #BoyMom

How do we raise a boy today?

I have known, and continue to discover, many women who are disappointed when they find out they are having a son. They will share their sorrow with you, usually in a whisper, because it’s often a feeling that comes with a certain amount of shame. I also know this happens because I was one of those people. Taboo? Perhaps. Rare? Hell no. 

We asked to find out the sex of our baby at the 20 week scan and the sonographer pointed at the image and said, “Well, do you see that thing poking out?” I knew what was poking out. “It’s a boy!” I exclaimed, while a rush of disappointment swept through me. I had a little cry on the way home (hormones, eh?) before I got over it, realising how lucky I was to be having a healthy child. My acceptance swiftly turned into excitement. Now, of course, I wouldn’t change a thing about my little two-year-old boy, he is perfect and I love him with all my heart.

Apparently as many as 1 in 5 women express disappointment about the sex of the child they are carrying, according to Dr. Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist and author of The Male Brain and The Female Brain. But I’ve never come across a woman who was upset that they were having a girl (at least for first timers). I’m sure they’re out there but I’m yet to meet one. 

I think so often women want a girl because they believe it’s a little friend for life, someone who they can go shopping with and help through relationships and enjoy gossipy lunches with down the line. Then there are the fun names and cute clothes for girl babies, something that is not really afforded to boys. 

There’s an official term for this: gender disappointment (although really they mean sex disappointment, of course, but the name is what it is) and there are dozens of Reddit threads and Netmums forums dedicated to it. 

But, if I’m being honest, there was another reason for my initial disappointment: bringing up a boy in this day and age feels particularly challenging. How do I raise a little boy to grow up into a good man? And a new book, BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity by Ruth Whipmann, gets into all of that.